Friday, December 31, 2010

In These City Lights...

We captured city lights in all its luminous beauty with gaping eyes and mesmerized minds. We watched the moon disappear behind clouds and our eyes twinkled with the stars on clear nights. I felt your breath on my neck and you felt my lips on yours. I watched you make sense of this world and I saw meaning in your distorted explanations of incidents that hit your mind. You saw sincerity in my efforts and passion in my aggression. You made me believe and I gave you reasons to keep fighting. We lit a match on the darkest nights, but we saw whatever we had built burn away into unidentifiable ashes whose memories lived like the flame that we could never blow out. We saw each other walk away and tried to never look back. I saw you hold her hand, you saw me hold his, but you came climbing though my window when you thought I was asleep. You broke the rules I tried so hard not to. You were the reason for my teenage rebellion. You were the smile that reached my eyes and I was the sigh of relief you breathed when you spent an evening with me. I messed and ran fingers through your hair and you caught my hands and kissed me. You were the tickle of smiles down my spine and I was the one you thought would never “never be there”.
We were meant to 'meant to be together', but in the skies of destiny, we were the clouds that fell prey to the winds of tragedy...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Longest Night...

We used to talk over the cigarettes you smoked and the momo's we shared; we used to swing in lonely parks on the coldest nights and laugh at the people we could never be; we cried over the ones we loved and the past we couldn't forget. We used to murmur secrets through silent nights, that faded away into the dim lights of breaking dawn, as our eyelids drooped over the dreams behind them. We made breakfast from leftovers and as the day drew to a close, we postponed our goodbyes. We held hands when our fingers were too cold and numb, finding the warmth of our friendship suffice to ignite hidden strengths to keep promises that kept breaking our heart. We learned how to never let the other give up. We were the people who had at least one thing to fight for.. US.. but that too has faded away like those long nights we wished would never end.

You let me in when others knocked your door. You heard me out when others misunderstood. You taught me how to listen, to be patient and let things be. We walked around the city for miles and miles. We talked with parched throats that were clutched by the pain of hurt and guilt.  And when words weren't enough, you let me rest my sobbing self on your ever ready shoulder. I made mistakes, you fixed them. You said things, I forgave you.  You tried to run away, I brought you back. I got pushed away, you jumped down with me. 

We read each others' faces and finished our stories under street lamps as we revisited memoirs of time. We climbed trees when we were falling down and apart just to know that there was always a way up. We lost our way and sinned together. We lost our faith and hoped together. You lost your way, i dragged you onto mine. I stumbled over stones, and you picked me up every time.
You once said, "People always leave, places always change. No one remains the way you want them to, where you want them to, when you want them to. Look around you, with each tick the world changes and we change with it."

 Little did I know, that we were a part of everyone else. That at the end of the day, we were destined to change with this good for nothing world, that the smoke of your cigarettes, and the secrets of our nights would be the tears that I cry on the longest night without you by my side..

Friday, December 24, 2010

Something's wrong.
Something's missing.
I don't know what.
I feel sick.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fading Away...

NOTE : Apart from the last line, I have absolutely no idea how and why I came up with this. I don't know whether it will make any sense to you. But do leave your feedback. :)

I'd seen it somewhere before. Where? I have no clue. But with everything around me moving with a pace so fast that every single day feels like a blur, I notice that it's the only thing that doesn't move from its place. However, every single time I look back at it, I feel like it's running miles away from me, that whilst it's standing so perfectly still, looking at me with eyes so blank, it's fading away into the void that it will leave behind. It's somewhere in the center of the same old circles that I run in. Sometimes, I feel like touching it. Something tells me that if I catch it just in time, all I will feel is sheer bliss of buoyancy...

But time doesn't wait for us, does it? It never gives us the moment we need when we need it. I walked up to it today. And I came close to touching it even... But I saw it had faded away.. that in the next few seconds to come, not even it's remnants would exist to remind me of it's presence... I realized what I had been looking at... And we were gradually fading away....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Some people just walk into your life by accident... And you'll never know why.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

We can't always remember....

You have my past, my present, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations and my faith. When I look at you, I see myself... I see myself as the girl who never thought she'd change but with every little secret she told you, it's exactly what was she was going through... a change. I see a world of it's own in you. I see a world that has nothing to do with the millions of people who're living in the universe today. I see a world that revolves around me and only me. When I see you, I smile... just because....

All this time I was hurting.. I wanted to forget. And now I'm longing to remember... because I can't remember how it feels to feel again... Even you can't make me remember now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Waste...

Some say it was the alcohol; I say it was his cowardice that killed him. Or maybe, it was his of lack resistance to temptation that every great personality is believed to possess until one day, we all find out that they too were different people with the same problems, and they too had found a way to give up and give in without letting anybody know. Maybe that's why he wasn't one of them. Maybe that's why he was just a wasted musical genius. Maybe that's why he was just another man who'd rather be forgotten than remembered with sympathy.

It's hard to forget his last days, his last words, the last notes he played on his guitar and the last song he sang in his course, throaty voice, weaker than I'd ever heard it before.

I'd never known him too well.. and maybe that's why I never knew why it made my heart sink to see him slipping away with not even his lost glory by his side. He always said, "You know you've lived it all when you can laugh at the thought of your own death. Look at me. I'm living through it slowly." His drunkenness was his normal state of mind.... or rather the usual. And the chuckle that followed stabbed my heart. I would never be able to explain the reason why.. to you.. to myself... or anybody else who wondered why.

There was a reason behind every sip that he slowly consumed and enjoyed the taste of on his tongue. Sometimes, it was the regret for backstabbing someone he was the backbone for, for the horrible person he once was, for the many people he had lost and the gratitude for the very few he had managed to keep. Sometimes, it was the dream he had once lived.. That stage, his guitar and the silence of an awestruck audience that was waiting to echo the lyrics of his song. Sometimes, it was her. Someone he'd never been with to actually say he'd lost but the regurgitating memories of whom, plunged his thoughts into a deafening silence that not even drunkenness could force to utter the stammering words of a grieved heart. And the least of all times, it was the thought of going away, of being the sole reason for his wasted existence, the courage he could never call upon to fight his battles, the ones he gave up on before trying.

He didn't care about who cared anymore. Was it because there wasn't anyone who did? Or because he'd stopped giving a damn a long time ago. I saw him sip his life to a close while he strummed its remnants on the strings of his guitar.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Stranger

NOTE : I'm not a poet. Never really have been. But I wrote this a long time ago when my best friend and I came so close to not knowing each other anymore. We were fighting. I was hurt, but not ready to admit it. And I just wrote this down in ten minutes and saved it on blogger. Haven't posted some story on blogger for some time, so I've posted this today. Please share your feedbacks! :)

This is where we stand today,
Strangers on the cross-roads where we first met.
I would have had regrets,
But who hurts over the absence of a stranger?

But then I'm on my way again,
And I look back just once,
To see you looking back at me one last time,
Before you set out again.

And then the memories of that stranger I once knew,
Come back to me with every step I take,
Knowing that we're probably treading the same paths,
The ones we chose to walk together,
But the same ones that we aren't.

But I know better than to stop,
I know better than to hold on,
Because the roads are going to change,
The crossroads are going to come our way,
And once again I will see you,
And once again I will bid farewell to thee Stranger,
With a glance that ignites the memories,
The ignition of memories that cannot be forgotten.

For it doesn't matter how old we are,
For it doesn't matter where we are,
For I know that stranger standing at that cross-road.

And you are the stranger I've always known...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's been a while....

It's been quite a week. A busy week crowded with too many things to do. Actually make that a very busy month from mid november to now(which technically speaking is the 8th of December).

So.. I had this wedding in the family. My mom's real sister's eldest daughter got married in mid November and it was so much fun. Being one the closest of all relatives there was so much to do. Shopping for traditional Indian wear is not easy and for someone like me who cannot bear more than two hours of shopping.. It can be painfully exhausting. But all's worth it in the end when everything comes together just fine and you look better than you've looked in your entire life. So, I guess traditional Indian wear suits me well. Sigh. :)

So the wedding and all the functions happened one after the other, all in one week with hardly a day in between each function and getting home at six in the morning drained me out completely. But like I said before, it was worth it. Why? Because I was seeing an Indian wedding for the FIRST time in my life. :D
The crazy dancing with all the cousins(some we were meeting for the first time, and some we were already very close to) in 5 inch heels made my ankles hurt like a bitch for a day but I wouldn't complain.. because that was the best part.

And then finally, it was all over by the 17th(technically 18th morning). And then came my unit tests that I wasn't prepared for one bit. I must say they weren't all that bad but not the best either. Eleventh grade has really made me taste failure. I've never flunked a paper in my life and in my terms I remember flunking math by TWO marks. Like, seriously? Doesn't the woman have a heart? Two marks and she could have saved me so much trouble at SCHOOL and HOME! Oh well.

My units ended today. After 8 days of crazy studying I've finally found the time to rant about the past few weeks and there's no better place than HERE!

So much has been happening. So much I've been keeping track of, so much I've over-looked, so much I need to start doing. And the time's literally flying by. I need to start thinking about what I need to do in life. I'm absolutely lost. I'm confused between doing what I need to and want to and should do.

I've been fighting with a good friend of mine and it doesn't feel good. At all. Probably because we're having our first fights over the same issues...

I've been hearing things, I've been sorting things our with many people, and I've been trying to undo the damage that unnecessary gossip does. Because I've realized that there's not point in leaving things hanging in the middle of no where... because one day you'll find yourself looking for reasons you won't get anymore.

I've been thinking, do people really mean whatever they say? If they don't, why? Because it's just not fair. It's not fair when good people don't get the happy endings they deserve and when the bad ones have what you want so bad. Why do some people have a concience while others have the ability to kill theirs? Why do I feel like I care too much?

Recently, I sent an email to my best friend Sidak. I poured my heart and soul into. I didn't leave anything unsaid. And she sent me the most beautiful response in return. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do without her. Some of the things she said made me feel better about the person I am... made me feel like a good person.. a good, strong, humane person. And to be honest, sometimes even though you've lost hope that someday things will get better, a best friend's email is all you need to make it better.. It's all you need to tell yourself that whether you want to give up or not, you need to keep going and there's no limit you can set for yourself. It's all you need to remind yourself that it's alright. Shit happens. And more is coming our way. But we just have to get through it. Because it's better than giving up and regretting not giving yourself a chance.

Here's a line I came up with when I was studying for economins.

"... solitary celebrations of memories that live in the mind of a soul brimming with the presence of friends, family and companionship... The irony."

G'night Folks!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

For You.

For everyone who's promised to move on with their lives, leaving behind the very same people who helped them make it through this far.. Just know, you'll always be in mind with good wishes.. All we can hope is that one day, when you're sipping your coffee all alone, wondering where we are, you won't have an answer, because you'll be too far gone to know where you are.. I can say that for you if not everybody else.

As your cigarette burns to ashes.. And your sleepless nights get the best of you.. When you wonder where and when those people went (Those who knew the worst and the best you could be), you'll never know how to get them back... because you left a long time ago.

-Well wishers you can only hope to find by your side again =)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

She Was A Liar!

I'd seen a liar in her, an arrogance that rooted itself in pride, a way with words that found their way around milestones of sorts while still grabbing what it was she was looking for. She liked to question, for she knew she'd have her answer. A spell, I would say, she cast upon others with the expression she held.. the intrigue it showcased.. as if it were meant to ruthlessly discomfort any living soul that couldn't satisfy her thirst for knowledge(whether good or bad)...A smile that made hearts ache in jealousy and obsessive longing-Yes, I would say she had it all. But, she was a liar. Her eyes never betrayed the tremendous ocean of emotions she was made of, the void depths of which kept people wanting to fill them with something...Anything... Anything to live in her memories forever.

"Pretense?" I was mad. I didn't know whether it wasn't evident in my tone.

"What do you mean?" I didn't mention what the even flow of her soft, calm voice did to me, did I? At times like these,  it drove me out of my mind.

"Would you really like an explanation?" The bitterness was evident in my voice. I couldn't do anything to cover it up.

"Would you really like an answer?"  She was doing it again. It drove me frustratingly crazy. The way she kept me hanging on to that glimmer of hope I tried to suffocate a long time ago.

"Do you have an answer? Do you WANT to answer?  LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU GOD DAMN IT!" She tried to walk away. It didn't take much effort to pin her against the wall and force her to look me in the eyes, even if it was for just a second. "Let me go if you can't have me. Don't keep me hanging."

Something flashed across her face. No, it couldn't have been disappointment.. could it? It couldn't have been the urge to not hold back whatever it was that she wanted to say.. what I hoped she would say.

"Do you really care enough?"  I knew she'd have an answer to that.

"No. I don't know. I-I don't want to." 

"You don't have a reason, do you?

"None that you'll be happy with."

"I care, Malini. Can't you see that?

"So, DON'T. As soon as you care enough and let someone in, you'll end up being disappointed by one more person." I'd never heard a need in her voice..the need to justify herself.

"Is that your reason?"


"You can be an entire lifetime of disappointments. But you'll still be worth it."

"Don't trust me on that. Like always, trusting people is a mistake you make time and again, hoping you learned your lesson the last time. You never really learn, do you?"

"Cheers to another lesson learned today... or rather the same one again."

A tear slipped down her cheek. She tried to say something but with a quivering lower lip and choking tears, all she managed to verbalize was, " Don't..."

"There's no point in trying to stop me now. Because.. I know.. I know what I need to know. There's no point in trying to push someone out when you can't. Because you're always going to want to come back again."

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dear Diary : Another lesson learned, perhaps...

Dear Diary,

Love's not meant to hurt.

The thing about love is that.. It's not about the pain that you feel once it's over and gone. It's not about the recklessness that follows... those attempts to kill your conscience...

It's about the pleasure you feel even when you remember things you promised yourself not to think about. There's just something about the pain. It reaches out to the depths of who we truly are... (I remember saying this somewhere).. It's about the joy you feel once you've moved on and let go of everything that once, hurt too much to ever want to feel again.. It's about the strength you have to watch things burn.. to watch the person you loved walk away from you.. to let go and watch things take their natural course. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear Diary : When it all falls apart...

Dear Diary,
Many things are worth fighting for. But, when it all falls apart, you know it's time to let the pieces be.. to let everyone go their own way. If it's meant to be, they'll find themselves together again. If not, you'll meet them at the cross roads and tiny corners of life, only to cherish those few moments before you have to say good bye again, not knowing when you'll see them again.

Everything's falling apart again. And this time, I'm not doing anything to stop the fall because, if I do, I know I'll end up hurting a part of myself.. I'm going to witness the breakdown. I'm going to see life stake the living element of my world.

Cheers to Life.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Tonight, I write because I owe myself a few, last words that I shall dedicate to the past few months of my life, the person I had become, the person that I am now, the person I will always be, and the person I will sought to be.

I've changed. For the better I'd like to believe. Things that didn't matter before, have now found their place in my life.. a place I now respect. Emotions that didn't make sense a little less than a year back, are the very same ones that I now accept as a part of the many things I had to learn.

I've grown as a person. Or so I tell myself. I've learned to forgive if not forget. I've learned how to make sorrows worthy of that pain that they bring along with themselves. I've learned that there's no turning back.. even if you're not too far ahead. I've learned how to stand by the decisions I've made... even if they hurt too much. I've learned how to never stop myself from taking the risk. I've learned how to give myself a chance. I've learned how to give myself reasons that make sense and hear others out even when it's the last thing I want to do. I've learned how to remain silent and watch things take their natural course.

A part of me will never change. I won't let it. Because that part of me will always define the essence of the person I will always be.

I know what it feels like to lose the upper hand over people. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. I know what it feels like to fight your conscience to do things you don't want to do. I know what it feels like to finally get the reasons your deserved. I know how it feels to finally be able to breathe again. I know how it feels to never regret decisions you've made... and to stick by that even when everything turns against you. 

As I try to fight the exhaustion which is persuading my mind to fall asleep whilst it is trying to finish what it wants me to pen down, I realize that at the end of the day, we all make the same mistakes, we all learn the same lessons in different ways...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Last Cigarette

After all the promises I swore I'd never break, I find a cigarette between my unaccustomed lips and once again I promise myself that this will be the very last. Just like I promised myself two days ago. Just like I promised you a year ago. Just like I promised what my last cigarette was supposed to be.

"That doesn't look right between your fingers.." I'd been told before. I smiled. As long as I wasn't coughing my lungs out, and everything in the world seemed to not bother me for those few minutes, I didn't care what looked right between my fingers or my lips. I'd become used to the taste I first detested. Only because, I realized that for more than just a moment, it was only me and that cigarette and nobody else.

"I know you're hurting. I know that nausea-tic feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling in your chest when you find it hard to breathe, because the realization of what just happened is like this stone that forces your heart to sink into an ocean of memories that make you smile but the thought of them being in a past you'll have to move on from will always kill. I know what that jabbing pain feels like. That emptiness. I know... I just..." I waited for Priya to finish.. to trail off and not know what else to say. It was always the same old words.. Because there always came a point when no one could say anything and all you could do was let silence explain who you are to yourself.

A wise friend once told me, "Things, people, feelings.. They change all the time. Nothing remains the same. Perhaps, it's time we got over these constant expectations followed by disappointing heartbreaks that always only end in tears.. that are usually ours. I think it's time we lose this raging argument in our head against the false hope that there might be a good kind of love that we will find someday. Cause, it's just not happening. It's just not."

Suddenly I knew what I wanted to say to Priya.

"Ever felt like not knowing what that feels like? Ever felt like forgetting for just a minute.. No... For half of it even? Here, try one." A bitter smile tried to reach my eyes as I lit my last cigarette again...


Note : The fourth para comes from this text my best friend once sent me a long time ago.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Don't Dance! =P

Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, IPOD etc. on shuffle.
■For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

1. If someone asks you, “are you okay” you say:
Here Without You-Three Doors Down
(Depressing much?)

2. How would you describe yourself ?
Your Love Is My Drug-Keisha
(Because your love your love your love is my drug! =D )

3. What do you like in a guy/girl ?
Shake It-Metrostation
(ROTFL.. I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door ;D)

4. How do you feel today ?
Phir Dekhiye-Caralisa Monteiro from Rock On!

5. What is your life’s purpose ?
Misery Business- Paramore
6. What’s your motto ?
Give It Up- The Friday Night Boys
(So give it uuuuuuuup woahhhh, I guess it's over due, I'm over yooou.. )

7. What do your friends think of you ?
That's Not My Name-The Ting Tings
(Wow, that makes no sense!)

8. What do your parents think of you?
Dirty Little Secrets-All American Reject
(HAHAHAHA.. I hope not! :S )

9. What do you think of often ?
Whoever she is-The Maine
(Let's replace the "She" with "He" =P )

10. What is 2 + 2 ?
Hello Piano-David West and Inkfish

11. What do you think of your best friend ?
I'll be your Sunset- A Rocket to the Moon

12. What is your life story ?
Change Your Mind-Boyce Avenue

13. What do you want to be when you grow up ?
So Much Love-The Rocket Summer
(That means I have absolutely NO idea)

14. What do you think when you see the person you like ?
Callin' You-Outlandish
 [ :O ]

15. What will you dance to at your wedding 4th anniversary?
Drop it On Me-Ricky Martin Feat Daddy Yankee
(Oh yeaaaaaah! )

16. What will they play at your funeral ?
I'm Sprung-T-pain

17. What is your hobby/interest ?
Swept Away-Yanni

18. What is your biggest fear ?
(It's failure actually.. and then the Dark)

19. What is your biggest secret ?
Blah Blah Blah-Keisha
(Hmmm... I'm in love with this soooooong!)

20. What do you want right now ?
Ashista Aahista ..

21. What do you think of your friends?
Look Into My Eyes-Outlandish
[Look into my eyes, tell me what you see.. Beautiful song! :) ]

22. When you want to rush to the toilet, what do you think ?
When Love Takes Over-David Guetta feat Kelly Rowland
(ROTFL.. Yeah.. Right)

23. Person you hate the most is in front of you, what will you tell the person ?
Something Something-Mika
(I like the song, okay? So stop laughing)

24. You have just won a lottery. What will you sing?
Stay-Safety Suit
25. What will you post this as?
Don't Dance-3OH!3 

Okay... I Tag Nil!


Monday, November 1, 2010

"These memories will always be mine to cherish. But that doesn't change the fact that maybe they weren't mine to make in the first place..."

A toast to the memories we made, the ones we miss, the ones we run away from, the ones that never leave us, the ones we will always cherish and the ones that weren't ours to make...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

They say, "You realize the importance of some things only when they're not there. You miss people when they're not around... "

There's a reason why sometimes I don't leave the faintest of shadows of my presence....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Time Passed Us By...

And I never thought time could pass us by.. Or maybe we just stopped... Stopped ourselves from being the people we wanted to be..

We think it's time to move on.. Move on from forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we never made. But then again, who ever got down to doing what they were supposed to?

Beneath the surface of our changing selves, we see meaningless voids that we never knew we had. But you always have those people, who you can never explain yourselves too. Because they know too well.. Is it why I run away from them? They forbid me to lie to myself...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


"It wasn't anybody's fault. It was fate.. Tragedy. We're holding on to the pain because it's all we have left..."

Sometimes, you can't blame anyone. You just have to live the consequences of things you never did; things you never wanted to do; things that people never wanted to put you through; things that were just meant to happen without rhyme or reason.

Sometimes, I feel like we're all pieces of flesh on a board game and Destiny is like the dice that decides how many steps we move, what path we play through. You may never know how it rolls.


Ps: I was quoting Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl Season 4 Episode 6. The dialogue ripped my heart out of my chest.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

After All We're Only Human...

He found solace in the blots of ink he managed to splatter across blank pages while he scribbled what his heart and mind held for her. Only because, it was all he could do when memories he ran away from, caught up with him every night, when he tried to sleep off what his crowded mind shouted to him. She was going to come back to him one day. He wasn't going to stop until she did. He was waiting. Time was never an issue for someone who kept no account of it.

I had seen a restlessness in his eyes, a kind of passive aggression is his walk, waiting to be unleashed by a split second of a feeling of vengeance. It was then that he started blaming himself for what he was, and what had made him that way.

Every twilight that I'd seen passion frenzy through him, I saw the depths of his soul, manifest themselves into the notes that played of the instrument he chose to play; like a bolt of lightening unleashing the secrets of a dark sky, mobbed by masses of enraged clouds waiting to wage a war with the earth. Often I'd seen that rage trance into a melancholic, benevolent call for hope with faith hidden in its soft, low keys that tried to keep his belief in happy endings from turning into dust, that would soon settle down with the pitter-patter of a rainfall of tears he wasn't allowed to cry anymore. Morbidity had become a part of his world, and happiness only a visitor that never stepped through the doorway of his mind.

He longed, he craved. He hoped, he prayed.

He was stone for those who would never know. They were right, or so I liked to believe. Seeing him, I knew that stones could be cracked; they could be engraved upon, only to leave scars and words as good as what we liked to believe eternity meant.

After all, we're all human at the end of the day...

After all he's only human...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bring it!

I love FORMSPRING! It's legal to be mean when you're asked mean, nosy questions! :D

Keep asking Folks, I have a lot to say to you.

Though I'll admit, there were some questions I had to think about before answering!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

#3 Belief...

There's a HUGE difference in believing something and wanting to believe another.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


I'm simply pissed off today. No, really! I am.

Why can't people be on time? WHY? (I admit I'm late too. But SOMETIMES! That's excusable, mind you! )

Why can't I be forgiven for making mistakes almost every second teenager makes? Oh come on! Coming home drunk with your parents around.. It happens, okay! (Yes, getting violent and abusive with them and shouting at your gate is another story... BUT I WAS DRUNK FOR GOD'S SAKE! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING OR DOING) And it was only the second time I was drunk in my life. Cut me some slack! I've learned my lesson. I can't handle alcohol.. Who else would get drunk on 4 shots.. and a couple of gulps of beer and vodka mixed together? And who the fuck gave me beer and Vodka? That doesn't even sound tempting!

So, I'm grounded. And for some reason EVERYONE.. I mean EVERYONE knows that I was drunk at Karaoke and I screwed up big time.. and threw lemon juice on the waiter.. and I'm banned entry at Cafe One and there's no way I can ever go there again. Not even for hookah! :| Did I mention I'm not allowed to move out of my house for more than two hours and am not supposed to be more than fifteen minutes from home? Yeah.. which corresponds to me not being able to attend the MOST awaited and happening party in town.. which happens to be tonight. And the fact that ALL my friends are going to be there.. Just PISSES me off!

Did I mention NO NIGHT PARTIES! :'(

This is ELEVENTH GRADE!! SHIT HAPPENS! Does anybody else realize that?

Oh.. Yes.. I'm flunking Math for the first time in my life. And that is the biggest blow I've gotten in years. I need to start taking my academics seriously otherwise the only reason my teachers respect me.. is gonna go down the drain. And plus, I like studying (As weird as that sounds.. Yes, I do! )

I feel like writing something deep.. But I can't! Because I feel so hollow sometimes..

The party is going on right now! Shit shit SHIIIIIIIIT! I want to sneak out.. But I'm shit scared!

I haven't gone for the Durga Puja this year. I go every year.

I'm absolutely broke. I have no reason why. Because I haven't gone out in the last fifteen days. Or anywhere I'd need a lot of money! Trust me Barista doesn't take more than 200! Because I don't like coffee.. and I can't have more than one Dark Temptation!

I NEED NEW MUSIC! Preferably Electronic Dance Music and Trance!

My headphones got spoiled and I had to throw them. I can't listen to my ipod anymore! :'( Why now?

Jealousy is an amusing emotion only when you see others getting burnt to black toast! :|

Aisha is playing on TV! Gtg and catch this one, cuz I'm not even allowed to go to Citywalk!


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

#2 Hopeless Romantic?

Because you'll always have a piece of me with you.. And there'll always be a part of me that'll hope...

There'll always be a lost cry in the echoes of laughter...

Because your memories will never be an extinguished fire at the hearth of time...

Because sometimes I wish things could be...

(It's funny how I always send out philosophical texts in the middle of the night! )

Monday, October 11, 2010

What do you think?

I've changed the look of my blog! Tell me what you think! =D

#1. Love

"You know, I've realized over a very long period of time that it's not about how strong you are... Love can make the strongest of people weak in the knees. What matters in the end is how you make it your strength. You have to make yourself strong enough to smile at the best memories and let go of the ones that hurt... or try to bury them away, anyway. Because you'll always want to remember what your smiles were worth, and not what your tears weren't. "

The philosophical moron that I am, I came up with this for a friend of mine, who was refusing to let go of a special someone! I can now proudly tell myself that this philosophical moron saved the day with these random words I sent her through the most emotional text ever! What would the world do without me! =P

You're welcome Unnati! :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

And When...

  This isn't my work. My sister's actually. But I'm posting it on my blog because I thought it was worth reading :) Do comment! :)


When you start to enjoy solitary moments in the absence of light and
remember the sunlit dawns of your past life without the wish of going
back into a world where acceptance is a rare phenomenon you've found yourself a companion- THE DARK.

When, everything around you is forcing you down and making life come to
... a stand still and you smile at the little memories made with the people
you valued or value you've found yourself a savior - HAPPINESS.

When amidst the cheerfulness around you, you find something enough to
create grim surroundings around you and take away the happiness that you
once enjoyed and the hope of it ever coming back, you've found you're
biggest enemy - Despair.

When you come to a point on life where you hardly care , you've found your biggest strength- IGNORANCE.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Dark

The Dark can be BEAUTIFUL. I've lived pleasant memories in it. Its the unseen face of secrecy, its the rustle of whispers barely heard, its the touch of someone else's emotion, its home to the friend you have in you. I look up to see this beauty crash with its beastly side. I can hear the black hole of the other side trying to suck in all the pleasantness. I am too repelled to be drawn into the mouth of hell and so I walk towards the light. Knowing where to find it again, knowing the treasures it holds, knowing that it will always be, I walk back into the beauty of the dark when I've had a little too much of the light.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My Black Hijab

I had grown up away from my homeland as far as I could remember. The only memories I had of as a kid, were of this place. We had fled our homeland many years ago. I was young, a year old I suppose, maybe younger. I remember my parents telling me I had celebrated my first birthday here .

There were many others like us. A few families lived down the street, but yet no one could say that we had THAT common bond-we were so different. The women never left their homes and we never got to see their faces. Sometimes you could see their eyes when they weren't netted under their burquas. But that was rare.

Sometimes when their families would join us for dinner, the men asked their women to go upstairs. They weren't allowed to eat with the rest of us. They would shoot glances at my father for doing the same and my mother would get up from the table, hesitantly and reluctantly but not wanting to earn disapproval in this part of our social circle. But my father. He would comfortably sit down in his chair and hold my mother's hand at the table and stop her as soon as he felt her rising. He smiled at his friends and would say, " Bhai, there is nothing wrong with having a woman on your right, eating the same food at the same time. Nur will be eating with us at this table." The glances turned into 'few-second stares' at my father, mother, his hand on hers and then each other. That would be the end of the discussion. My mother sensing the awkwardness would smile at my father. She was a lucky woman, I was a lucky daughter, only because he was a different man.

After serving dinner, mother would join the women upstairs, excusing herself for some womanly talks. My mother's head was uncovered, unlike theirs ofcourse and the women smiled enviously at her freedom and luck.

Somehow, as I grew, I insisted on wearing my black hijab. Occasionally I would cover my face, letting only my eyes devour the world, and letting the strangers around feast their eyes to the beauty of mine lined darkly with black Kohl.

Mashallah!" Many of our kind had exclaimed before. My eyes, the only things on my face I appreciated. Probably the compliments had gotten to me. But I loved them. I loved how they talked for me. Probably that's why I liked letting them speak for me.

My father didn't particularly like it. He was different. He thought I was doing it because I felt out of place among our kind. But that was NOT my reason. I wore it because I somehow felt closer to who I was. I wasn't ashamed of it. I always believed that it was a choice that I had made to be different. I loved being the one with a difference.

I didn't wear my hijab too often. It was something I wore on occasion when I felt like being the one people were intrigued with. There was one particular place in the city-the spice market-where I always covered my face. Thousands of eyes followed. Some stared until I pierced them with a sudden look of mine, right into their eyes. I'd had people look back almost a second later, their head oscillating between what was in their hand or what they were doing and my covered face. There was one particular shop my mother always took me to, where she believed the rarest of the spices were always there. The owner-Mrs. Desai- and my mother were well-acquainted, actually they were friends now. For many years now my mother had been coming to this very store, every month on the same date to buy spices. Our families often had tea together, dinner occasionally.

Today, as I stood behind mother, I noticed a young handsome figure standing beside Mrs. Desai. His back was towards us, his muscular arms bare in his vest, as he talked in a fast British accent on the phone. Mother and Mrs. Desai started with their customary ritual of gossip. Mrs. Desai patted the figure beside her and he turned around to look at her, a distracted stammer now escaping his mouth.

"Put the phone down now will you? You hardly ever visit and now when you're here you don't give me a fair share of time." Mrs. Desai complained.

"Yeah.. Uh.. Uh.. I will talk to you later. In the evening. Yes. Yes. Okay. Take Care." He said into the phone. " What do you mean I haven't given you enough time? I've been here all week and this is my first call in 6 days."

"I'm a mother. That will never be enough."

He sighed and hugged her. It was a rare, unseen, honest gesture and it made me smile. His eyes caught mine looking and he probably could tell I was smiling. He let go off his mother, who was already talking to mine in a fast, chatty voice. Mother opened the small door on the side that led to the other side of the counter and both the ladies went in through the curtained door to have tea inside the house.

" You're mom, she isn't wearing a.. wearing a.. Umm.. " He scrambled about in his head looking for the right word. His voice was nice and deep.

"Hijab " I answered in a quiet voice, slightly intrigued about what he was going to say next.

"Oh. Yes. She isn't wearing that. Why are you?"

"Its a choice."

He looked at me with an expression I couldn't tell apart from confused and bewildered or unbelieving.

" A choice? That's a first."

" I love the air of mystery it creates around me." I laughed.

"I would know." He admitted. He was looking me right in the eye now. I stared back.

"I like being different." I said. " I think its a part of me somewhere. I don't wear it all the time. But for some reason I always wear it when I come to this market, to this store."

"Your eyes." He blinked a couple of times as he said that. "What color are they? Jade green or are they kind of grey?" He was staring intently now. " Excuse my manners. I shouldn't stare. I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you were saying."

I grinned. This was interesting. " I said I don't wear my hijab all the time. But I'm always wearing it when I'm here. "

"Any particular reason?"

"No, not really." I'd never known the reason.

"Is there any chance you might make an exception today?" He teased.

" Is there some reason I should?"

"Yes, I only tend to customers who I can actually see and talk to and whose voices aren't slightly muffled by a piece of cloth." He teased.

"Well, in that case, I'm sorry to disappoint you. My mother is the customer actually. I'm just helping and keeping her company."

"By the looks of it, she already has some right now." He motioned to the door they'd gone through. "If you're helping, you might just buy whatever it is that she needs to. She'll be back by then."

I rolled my eyes and turned around. I heard him chuckle. I walked around the first counter on my right, picked up a small basket and walked around the store collecting packets of spices that flavored our food. I placed the basket on the counter.

"How much will that be?"

It took a while for him to finally pay attention to what I was saying. He smiled. I had a feeling it wasn't for me but for himself. I watched him bill everything and place it in a brown paper bag.

" $13.50"

As he handed the change to me, I picked up my paper bag and mother walked out followed my Mrs. Desai.

"Yes. Yes. No excuses. Dinner at my place tomorrow night." Mother's invitation was more familial than anything else. " Oh, you have the stuff already. I hope Kunal kept you company." A teasing grin spread across the faces of both the old women.

"Mrs. Desai and you ammi! " I sighed. " Namaste Aunty." And we walked out the entrance of the shop, the bell on the door ringing as we opened it.

Later that evening my mother swore she saw Kunal staring.. no GAPING at me. I ignored her teasing. But inside, I felt an eagerness to see him the following night.


Dinners at our place were never a quiet event. Mom loved cooking and all day she cooked and cleaned and washed with willingness. When father got home from work, he quickly dressed for it was almost time for the guests to arrive. I had helped mother set the table right after I got back from a party with my mates at university. I didn't really feel like changing but went upstairs for I was overdressed for the occasion. The black piece of cloth was still hanging over the nail on the frame of my dressing table. I had half a smiling thought to wear it again tonight. But instead took out a light blue and white one for the night. It matched the fawn colored jeans and blue shirt that I was wearing. As I pinned the cloth across my face, covering everything below my eyes, I heard a faint knock on my door.

"Come in." I answered the knock quickly. I was in a hurry to attend on to the guests despite my lazy self. I soon realized that I wouldn't be going down for a while now.

"They told me you were in your room. I would have waited but who wants to sit and talk to oldies." His deep voice was quieter today. These are the moments I hate, when my eyes give away emotions I want to keep to myself. I stared at him. His collared shirt, sleeves rolled up, fit his broad shoulders perfectly. His hair-light brown- weren't properly combed, just brushed with his fingers I suppose. The shirt wasn't completely buttoned up and I could see a hint of his chiseled chest.

"I thought you don't wear your.. um.. hijab all the time. Why now? You're not in store anymore." He tried to make conversation again.

This time I answered. "Yes, but I like having people intrigued by me."

"I would say you like attention. Mind if I make myself at home?" He teased.

"Please do. And maybe you're right. I haven't really thought about it." I sat on my dressing table chair, and looking into the mirror I put the last pin in place.

It was quiet for a while. And I took a little more time to settle my hijab. It wasn't long. I didn't like the ones that covered half of my upper torso.

I saw his reflection staring at me in the mirror. I turned around to face him, hoping he would start some conversation but knowing it was my turn.

"So is it difficult, wearing it?" He asked.

"Not really. You have to be careful while putting the pins in place." I was weirdly relieved.

"Do you have matching ones for every dress you own. Like girls collect bags and scarfs?" He laughed.

"I have my share of the bags and scarfs.. and shoes. But these, I have four. The black one's my favorite." I said lightly. I motioned to the light green and cream colored ones folded on my table.

"Mine too." There was something about the way he looked at me then. I couldn't make out what it was because I'd never had someone look at me that way.

"Uhmm.. okay!?" I wasn't sure about what to say.

For a while, we sat quietly. I tried not to meet his gaze.

"We should join the others for dinner." I managed to say without stuttering.

I stood up and he followed. But before we reached the door, he caught hold of my elbow and with the slightest strength pushed me against the wall next to the table. My heart pounded as his eyes bore into mine.

"Now, just hold on one second." He unpinned the hijab and as the cloth fell across my face, this time revealing what I was hiding behind it, a low gasp escaped his lips. I felt his hand brush against my cheek with the slightest touch.

You're beautiful was all he managed to say. I could feel my cheeks burn and I was sure they were the color of blood by now. His hand felt cold. For a while, his eyes lingered on my lips. I was biting them nervously. A few moments later, he pinned back the piece of cloth.

" You know, I wouldn't blame you if you wore that all the time. It makes it easier to resist you." He looked away and went back to sit on the bed. " By the way, black looks better."


I've been married to Kunal for six years now. For six years, I've been wearing my hijab whenever I've wanted to. I've been walking beside a man, who is more than happy to accept how I feel about my identity, who is proud to walk aside someone who believes being different is her right. There's something else that hasn't changed though. Something that I hope never will. Something that reassures me that its not necessary for the magic to die after being together for so long. Everytime he unpins my black hijab, a low gasp escapes his lips and I can hear how much he means it when he says he thinks I'm beautiful. When he stays up long nights with me, making me coffee so I don't fall asleep, I know he knows how much my priorities and freedom mean to me. I can feel the pride in his voice when he says, She's the one, always will be.