Thursday, February 24, 2011

And THIS is a true story.

People come..... And they go. Sometimes, even when you don't want to, you have to kick them out of your life. Some people would say that I'm simply hurt right now. But nobody will even come close to gauging the anger inside me;anger that is deeply rooted in hurt.

I once came across this line while reading a book. "There is no greater crime than theft. When you lie, you're stealing someone's right to know the truth." It was in the same book that I read another line-"For you, a thousand times over."

Dishonesty has always been a tight slap across my face. I've never been able to tell why though. People lie all the time. But when someone lies to me, there's no shove as ruthless, there's no anger so potent, there's no stronger force choking my throat.

This is isn't my story. It's hers. Someone exactly like me. Someone, who's habit of lying to me, has been the cause of so much hurt and anger. Because, if she couldn't trust me, I couldn't trust her.. and we had no other. It was just her.. and me...

He came walking into her life one day, making no promise of being there when the moonless night slowly crashed into the sunny, summer morning, who's light hurt your eyes after a slumber bereft of pleasant dreams. And to think she wouldn't know if he spent half of the night in another woman's bed, after singing her lullabies of soft kisses before she closed her eyes to see if she could feel him beside her for just one night, kicked her self esteem and pride... for he thought she was a fool.

Fate finds its way of telling you the secrets you're destined to know. Evidence finds its way to you even when you're not looking.  And when she found out, it was over.

But what that doesn't change... is the anger. That anger rooted in hurt. Because, his bed was never going to be lonely... and hers would be a reminder of nothing else but betrayal, unspoken words that her mind and heart still longed to hear, and an unwilling self to ever do the same. But more than anything, it was a reminder that... for the sake of the sweet memories that she deluded herself into thinking were pure, symbolic of affection and nothing else.. she would go through that sweet pain, a thousand times over.

This is isn't my story. It's hers. Someone exactly like me. Someone, who's habit of lying to me about her pain, has been the cause of so much hurt and anger. Because, if she couldn't trust me, I couldn't trust her.. and we had no other. It was just her.. and me... It was just my conscience and me...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This is going to be a happy place for a while .

So, it's been a while since I've been thinking about changing the look of my blog. A very, VERY close friend of mine told me that it had become a sad and depressing place. And I couldn't agree more. For a lot of reasons, I had been going through this depressed, morbid phase in my life... and things were just not falling into place. And all I could do was vent it out by writing.. and MOST of those pieces of writing found their way to my blog. And though I'm glad that during that phase I wrote things that were appreciated so whole heartedly by my fellow followers, I don't want them to think that I only write depressing stuff. Because, I'm usually a happy person. And you know what reminded me of the person I'd stopped being for a while? It was this friend's letter to me on my 16th Birthday! She made me realize that my retarded smile and my attitude towards life of finding happiness in the smallest of things, made her smile a lot more everyday even if she didn't have the biggest reasons to. So, Nilanjana, ILoveYou! =*

So, I played around with colors and now my blog looks like a happier place to me! Tell me what you guys think! =D

Oh and btw, I deleted that stupid formspring account of mine. What a worthless forum. Weird stalkers keep asking you the same questions about the SAME people over and OVER again. And it's annoying. Because most of the questions are offensive and come from people who don't have a standard, who can't maintain their dignity and try to make the other person look down. So BYE-BYE STUPID FORMSPRING AND ALL THOSE STUPID PEOPLE WHO KEPT ASKING ME IDIOTIC QUESTIONS! =*

Now for some damn good news! I GOT ANOTHER BLOG AWARD from two very versatile bloggers themselves! Thank You KANIKA and MEHER! =D *Hugs*

So, there are some things that I need to do. Here goes! =D

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift. 
    DONE! =*

2. Share seven things about yourself.
     This is going to be RANDOM!


I can be a little superstitious sometimes. :S

I am obsessed with this guy's name. It's so Frickin' LONG! (Piyush Yudhveer Vikramaditya Bhardwaj.. Isn't it amazing?)

I LOVE STATIONARY! I collect it actually! =P

I love talking. I always have so much to say. Sometimes I think I should become a TV anchor or Counselor! (For the record, I give good advise.)

I am a SCIENCE STUDENT. And though I love my subjects, I haven't scored too well this year.

I had braces for almost two years. And I never grinned in ANY picture until they actually came off. =P

There. All done! =D

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
I'm only giving out four.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.
On it! =D

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Light a match, I'm burning my memories.

What did life want now? It was all she could think of. She wanted to shake alive every dormant incident that she had hidden in the corners of the darkest rooms of her mind and think about what was left with that life could take away forever.. any other thing that she could stack away in those dark rooms, whose doors when opened made her wince with embarrassment at her juvenile stupidity, at those mistakes she wished she'd never made. She was always regarded as the one who grew up way too fast. Wisdom dawned her aura, and yet it seemed as if the child deep within her surfaced too often, trying to live a life it never could, making that worldly knowledge of people curtain itself, as if almost unwilling to disturb the child in her at its best. But like I said, wisdom dawned her aura. When she was looked at, it was not her stunningly beautiful face framed by waves of long black hair that people noticed first. It was that intimidating feeling that washed through them, an unwillingness to know what lay behind those eyes. She had heard men talking about how much they loved a woman who had an untouched innocence about her. Little did she know that it was exactly the opposite of THAT, some daring men found most appealing about her. It was the confidence with she walked, the few second glances at people by which she could easily tell who they were on the inside, the way she completed everybody's sentences, knowing exactly what they wanted to say (better than they did) because she had gone through it all. Life as she knew it had been unkind to her often, but like the millions of lessons she had learned, she knew that it was because of that unkindness that she was not just any other woman in any man's life. She was who she wanted to be, always holding the upper hand, the one who passively controlled and molded things around her. That was the strength of her aura, something no one had ever been able to take from her.

But today, she sat down quietly wondering why the past was trying to become her present now. She wondered why the people she had let go off an eternity ago wanted to be a part of her life now. Didn't they know that things would never be the same? Or did they think she was weak because she had chosen to let go and run away. Devyangani had always known that she was never the weak one. Over the years, she had learned that neither running away or letting go were signs of weakness and cowardice because, she was one of the few who knew  the courage and strength it took to let go and move on and try and forget something she'd held on to so strongly. And every time those things knocked at her door, she knew how much strength it took to shove them out, to tell herself that there was no room for second thoughts to cross her mind. She knew how much strength it took to remind herself time and again that there were some things she never did. Going back on a word she had promised herself was one of them. So yes, there was no turning back! There never would be, even if she sometimes wished she could.

But today was different. It wasn't any other past that had turned up at her door. No, it wasn't that friend who had once betrayed. No, it wasn't that sister who didn't care. And no, it wasn't that family that once turned their back. She winced at the thought of who it was. As she wrecked journals of memories, she remembered an old friend who'd been with her through it all. She remembered the words that had once slipped her tongue. . Its never going to leave you alone. It will tag along one day and you'll find yourself right where you were in the first place.. She had been right about the first part. That past had never left her. It always came back every few years for reasons she did not know. For reasons, she didn't want to know for her sake. But that friend had been wrong about the second part. It didn't leave her where she had started. She was miles away from the beginning because the void had been filled up by experience and wisdom. Every time that past knocked on the door, she found herself beckoning the strength everyone knew she had. The power to never look back, to swear on her blood to keep the promises others couldn't keep. And so she walked away every time. And she didn't care who thought she was weak. Because she always knew that walking away had always been an option, but she was never the reason she had made it her choice.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I am SO happy right now, it's not even funny! Really! =D

So, I've received my SECOND blog award! And it's for being a STYLISH BLOGGER (Ooooo yeah! =P)

I love it when people love my work. I feel like there's a little bit of talent hiding in me, and it's going to bloom someday. And when those people go out of the way to appreciate it, I feel even better! And I am so glad that MEHER awarded me as one of the most stylish bloggers (I still can't get over it.)

(And yes, I'd like to thank that person who first introduced me to blogging and taught me how to MAKE a blog. Okay, I admit. I didn't know how to make a blog. I have issues with the internet.. and technology in general.)

So, I have to follow a couple of steps! Here goes! =D

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award  :: [DONE]

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

Here goes,
1. I LOVE chocolate. I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have it everyday. And when I'm stressed, I love walking down to Baskin N Robins and getting myself chocolate ice-cream.

2. I may look like I have my life sorted. I take it very easy mostly. But inside, I'm as confused as any other confused kid. I may give good, practical advice, but.. I'm still trying to follow it on my own.

3. I have HUGE EGO ISSUES. And I can be a STUBBORN bitch. I may look like I can take critique very well, but if it isn't said in a nice way, I will not accept it and I might just strangle you.

4. I naturally have a VERY loud voice. Even when I'm normally talking to someone, they have to ask me to lower down the volume. And it's ANNOYING. Because I AM NOT SHOUTING!

5. I haven't exercised since Summer 2008. I've been trying to ever since. =P

6. If I LOVE you, I LOVE you. If I HATE you, then you'll find me being very intolerant to the sound of your voice.

7. What else? =S
     OH YEAH! My brother thinks I sound like a receptionist on the phone. Because this is how I go when he gives me a missed call from another number. "Hello, good evening. I just got a missed call from this number. May I know who's on the line?" I wonder why? =P

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers ::

I'm sorry. I'm only handing out four. =)

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

On my way in a bit.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Because my wounds are open, they're bleeding life.

I had never been drunk before. NEVER. I had never forced the bitter taste down my throat just for the heck of it. NEVER. I had never wanted to be reckless and uncontrollable. NEVER. Some thought that it was an act, others thought that I was immature. I'd rather be the latter, I'd never wanted to grow up so fast. But today, I sat quietly at the bar, drowning myself in the overpowering strength of the bitterness that rotted the taste on my tongue, burning my insides as I tried to gulp it down faster every time. I didn't like the taste, though I marveled the way it played with my head. Thoughts were a blur, exactly how I wished they were all the time. The irony. Today, I wanted to sleep. Tomorrow I wanted to get up, not remembering what I did, not remembering tonight before it happened, not remembering the person I was just now. Why? Because I wanted to forget tonight.

I was alone. I stared at the cardboard box in front of me. Memories. That's what it was full off. Memories of her. Her... He couldn't forget her. And it killed me because I could never hold her place. It killed me because he held THAT place in me. Today, she came back. And the memories he stored away in that box, it seemed, took a long deep breath that blew my way in strong gusts of winds, the black blinding smoke of a crowded past I could never make him forget. I played with his favorite lighter. He always kept it on the bar in a small custom made box. I made a small game of the sparks I saw, every second one bursting into a sudden tiny flame.

My aim usually sucked. I could almost never catch a ball before it hit my head, or throw it to someone before it hit theirs. Today, as I threw the lighter into the box, I couldn't help but think how wrong I had been about my aim. I saw the box burn to ashes. The fire dying as soon as every page of every journal, every picture of every moment he cherished, every souvenir of a long lost love, was lost in the tides of hatred and revenge. I knew she was never going to stay. I knew she was going to kill the remnants of every little hope he had had for them. I knew and he did too, but I wasn't going to wait for anything to sink in.

I knew I had killed a part of him just there. Every little thing he had held on to, every little thing he thought he would hold on to for an eternity that would end only with him, had been brutally stabbed until they bled in flames of hurt. I had killed a part of him right there. And as I walked out the door, I left that part of him on the floor, only to be discovered by someone who wouldn't be able to kill himself, or live with the nothingness I had created by burning away his years.

Because I wanted to forget tonight...