Friday, December 31, 2010

In These City Lights...

We captured city lights in all its luminous beauty with gaping eyes and mesmerized minds. We watched the moon disappear behind clouds and our eyes twinkled with the stars on clear nights. I felt your breath on my neck and you felt my lips on yours. I watched you make sense of this world and I saw meaning in your distorted explanations of incidents that hit your mind. You saw sincerity in my efforts and passion in my aggression. You made me believe and I gave you reasons to keep fighting. We lit a match on the darkest nights, but we saw whatever we had built burn away into unidentifiable ashes whose memories lived like the flame that we could never blow out. We saw each other walk away and tried to never look back. I saw you hold her hand, you saw me hold his, but you came climbing though my window when you thought I was asleep. You broke the rules I tried so hard not to. You were the reason for my teenage rebellion. You were the smile that reached my eyes and I was the sigh of relief you breathed when you spent an evening with me. I messed and ran fingers through your hair and you caught my hands and kissed me. You were the tickle of smiles down my spine and I was the one you thought would never “never be there”.
We were meant to 'meant to be together', but in the skies of destiny, we were the clouds that fell prey to the winds of tragedy...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Longest Night...

We used to talk over the cigarettes you smoked and the momo's we shared; we used to swing in lonely parks on the coldest nights and laugh at the people we could never be; we cried over the ones we loved and the past we couldn't forget. We used to murmur secrets through silent nights, that faded away into the dim lights of breaking dawn, as our eyelids drooped over the dreams behind them. We made breakfast from leftovers and as the day drew to a close, we postponed our goodbyes. We held hands when our fingers were too cold and numb, finding the warmth of our friendship suffice to ignite hidden strengths to keep promises that kept breaking our heart. We learned how to never let the other give up. We were the people who had at least one thing to fight for.. US.. but that too has faded away like those long nights we wished would never end.

You let me in when others knocked your door. You heard me out when others misunderstood. You taught me how to listen, to be patient and let things be. We walked around the city for miles and miles. We talked with parched throats that were clutched by the pain of hurt and guilt.  And when words weren't enough, you let me rest my sobbing self on your ever ready shoulder. I made mistakes, you fixed them. You said things, I forgave you.  You tried to run away, I brought you back. I got pushed away, you jumped down with me. 

We read each others' faces and finished our stories under street lamps as we revisited memoirs of time. We climbed trees when we were falling down and apart just to know that there was always a way up. We lost our way and sinned together. We lost our faith and hoped together. You lost your way, i dragged you onto mine. I stumbled over stones, and you picked me up every time.
You once said, "People always leave, places always change. No one remains the way you want them to, where you want them to, when you want them to. Look around you, with each tick the world changes and we change with it."

 Little did I know, that we were a part of everyone else. That at the end of the day, we were destined to change with this good for nothing world, that the smoke of your cigarettes, and the secrets of our nights would be the tears that I cry on the longest night without you by my side..

Friday, December 24, 2010

Something's wrong.
Something's missing.
I don't know what.
I feel sick.
I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fading Away...

NOTE : Apart from the last line, I have absolutely no idea how and why I came up with this. I don't know whether it will make any sense to you. But do leave your feedback. :)

I'd seen it somewhere before. Where? I have no clue. But with everything around me moving with a pace so fast that every single day feels like a blur, I notice that it's the only thing that doesn't move from its place. However, every single time I look back at it, I feel like it's running miles away from me, that whilst it's standing so perfectly still, looking at me with eyes so blank, it's fading away into the void that it will leave behind. It's somewhere in the center of the same old circles that I run in. Sometimes, I feel like touching it. Something tells me that if I catch it just in time, all I will feel is sheer bliss of buoyancy...

But time doesn't wait for us, does it? It never gives us the moment we need when we need it. I walked up to it today. And I came close to touching it even... But I saw it had faded away.. that in the next few seconds to come, not even it's remnants would exist to remind me of it's presence... I realized what I had been looking at... And we were gradually fading away....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Some people just walk into your life by accident... And you'll never know why.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

We can't always remember....

You have my past, my present, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations and my faith. When I look at you, I see myself... I see myself as the girl who never thought she'd change but with every little secret she told you, it's exactly what was she was going through... a change. I see a world of it's own in you. I see a world that has nothing to do with the millions of people who're living in the universe today. I see a world that revolves around me and only me. When I see you, I smile... just because....

All this time I was hurting.. I wanted to forget. And now I'm longing to remember... because I can't remember how it feels to feel again... Even you can't make me remember now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Waste...

Some say it was the alcohol; I say it was his cowardice that killed him. Or maybe, it was his of lack resistance to temptation that every great personality is believed to possess until one day, we all find out that they too were different people with the same problems, and they too had found a way to give up and give in without letting anybody know. Maybe that's why he wasn't one of them. Maybe that's why he was just a wasted musical genius. Maybe that's why he was just another man who'd rather be forgotten than remembered with sympathy.

It's hard to forget his last days, his last words, the last notes he played on his guitar and the last song he sang in his course, throaty voice, weaker than I'd ever heard it before.

I'd never known him too well.. and maybe that's why I never knew why it made my heart sink to see him slipping away with not even his lost glory by his side. He always said, "You know you've lived it all when you can laugh at the thought of your own death. Look at me. I'm living through it slowly." His drunkenness was his normal state of mind.... or rather the usual. And the chuckle that followed stabbed my heart. I would never be able to explain the reason why.. to you.. to myself... or anybody else who wondered why.

There was a reason behind every sip that he slowly consumed and enjoyed the taste of on his tongue. Sometimes, it was the regret for backstabbing someone he was the backbone for, for the horrible person he once was, for the many people he had lost and the gratitude for the very few he had managed to keep. Sometimes, it was the dream he had once lived.. That stage, his guitar and the silence of an awestruck audience that was waiting to echo the lyrics of his song. Sometimes, it was her. Someone he'd never been with to actually say he'd lost but the regurgitating memories of whom, plunged his thoughts into a deafening silence that not even drunkenness could force to utter the stammering words of a grieved heart. And the least of all times, it was the thought of going away, of being the sole reason for his wasted existence, the courage he could never call upon to fight his battles, the ones he gave up on before trying.

He didn't care about who cared anymore. Was it because there wasn't anyone who did? Or because he'd stopped giving a damn a long time ago. I saw him sip his life to a close while he strummed its remnants on the strings of his guitar.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Stranger

NOTE : I'm not a poet. Never really have been. But I wrote this a long time ago when my best friend and I came so close to not knowing each other anymore. We were fighting. I was hurt, but not ready to admit it. And I just wrote this down in ten minutes and saved it on blogger. Haven't posted some story on blogger for some time, so I've posted this today. Please share your feedbacks! :)

This is where we stand today,
Strangers on the cross-roads where we first met.
I would have had regrets,
But who hurts over the absence of a stranger?

But then I'm on my way again,
And I look back just once,
To see you looking back at me one last time,
Before you set out again.

And then the memories of that stranger I once knew,
Come back to me with every step I take,
Knowing that we're probably treading the same paths,
The ones we chose to walk together,
But the same ones that we aren't.

But I know better than to stop,
I know better than to hold on,
Because the roads are going to change,
The crossroads are going to come our way,
And once again I will see you,
And once again I will bid farewell to thee Stranger,
With a glance that ignites the memories,
The ignition of memories that cannot be forgotten.

For it doesn't matter how old we are,
For it doesn't matter where we are,
For I know that stranger standing at that cross-road.

And you are the stranger I've always known...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's been a while....

It's been quite a week. A busy week crowded with too many things to do. Actually make that a very busy month from mid november to now(which technically speaking is the 8th of December).

So.. I had this wedding in the family. My mom's real sister's eldest daughter got married in mid November and it was so much fun. Being one the closest of all relatives there was so much to do. Shopping for traditional Indian wear is not easy and for someone like me who cannot bear more than two hours of shopping.. It can be painfully exhausting. But all's worth it in the end when everything comes together just fine and you look better than you've looked in your entire life. So, I guess traditional Indian wear suits me well. Sigh. :)

So the wedding and all the functions happened one after the other, all in one week with hardly a day in between each function and getting home at six in the morning drained me out completely. But like I said before, it was worth it. Why? Because I was seeing an Indian wedding for the FIRST time in my life. :D
The crazy dancing with all the cousins(some we were meeting for the first time, and some we were already very close to) in 5 inch heels made my ankles hurt like a bitch for a day but I wouldn't complain.. because that was the best part.

And then finally, it was all over by the 17th(technically 18th morning). And then came my unit tests that I wasn't prepared for one bit. I must say they weren't all that bad but not the best either. Eleventh grade has really made me taste failure. I've never flunked a paper in my life and in my terms I remember flunking math by TWO marks. Like, seriously? Doesn't the woman have a heart? Two marks and she could have saved me so much trouble at SCHOOL and HOME! Oh well.

My units ended today. After 8 days of crazy studying I've finally found the time to rant about the past few weeks and there's no better place than HERE!

So much has been happening. So much I've been keeping track of, so much I've over-looked, so much I need to start doing. And the time's literally flying by. I need to start thinking about what I need to do in life. I'm absolutely lost. I'm confused between doing what I need to and want to and should do.

I've been fighting with a good friend of mine and it doesn't feel good. At all. Probably because we're having our first fights over the same issues...

I've been hearing things, I've been sorting things our with many people, and I've been trying to undo the damage that unnecessary gossip does. Because I've realized that there's not point in leaving things hanging in the middle of no where... because one day you'll find yourself looking for reasons you won't get anymore.

I've been thinking, do people really mean whatever they say? If they don't, why? Because it's just not fair. It's not fair when good people don't get the happy endings they deserve and when the bad ones have what you want so bad. Why do some people have a concience while others have the ability to kill theirs? Why do I feel like I care too much?

Recently, I sent an email to my best friend Sidak. I poured my heart and soul into. I didn't leave anything unsaid. And she sent me the most beautiful response in return. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do without her. Some of the things she said made me feel better about the person I am... made me feel like a good person.. a good, strong, humane person. And to be honest, sometimes even though you've lost hope that someday things will get better, a best friend's email is all you need to make it better.. It's all you need to tell yourself that whether you want to give up or not, you need to keep going and there's no limit you can set for yourself. It's all you need to remind yourself that it's alright. Shit happens. And more is coming our way. But we just have to get through it. Because it's better than giving up and regretting not giving yourself a chance.

Here's a line I came up with when I was studying for economins.

"... solitary celebrations of memories that live in the mind of a soul brimming with the presence of friends, family and companionship... The irony."

G'night Folks!