For You.

For everyone who's promised to move on with their lives, leaving behind the very same people who helped them make it through this far.. Just know, you'll always be in mind with good wishes.. All we can hope is that one day, when you're sipping your coffee all alone, wondering where we are, you won't have an answer, because you'll be too far gone to know where you are.. I can say that for you if not everybody else.

As your cigarette burns to ashes.. And your sleepless nights get the best of you.. When you wonder where and when those people went (Those who knew the worst and the best you could be), you'll never know how to get them back... because you left a long time ago.

-Well wishers you can only hope to find by your side again =)

She Was A Liar!

I'd seen a liar in her, an arrogance that rooted itself in pride, a way with words that found their way around milestones of sorts while still grabbing what it was she was looking for. She liked to question, for she knew she'd have her answer. A spell, I would say, she cast upon others with the expression she held.. the intrigue it showcased.. as if it were meant to ruthlessly discomfort any living soul that couldn't satisfy her thirst for knowledge(whether good or bad)...A smile that made hearts ache in jealousy and obsessive longing-Yes, I would say she had it all. But, she was a liar. Her eyes never betrayed the tremendous ocean of emotions she was made of, the void depths of which kept people wanting to fill them with something...Anything... Anything to live in her memories forever.

"Pretense?" I was mad. I didn't know whether it wasn't evident in my tone.

"What do you mean?" I didn't mention what the even flow of her soft, calm voice did to me, did I? At times like these,  it drove me out of my mind.

"Would you really like an explanation?" The bitterness was evident in my voice. I couldn't do anything to cover it up.

"Would you really like an answer?"  She was doing it again. It drove me frustratingly crazy. The way she kept me hanging on to that glimmer of hope I tried to suffocate a long time ago.

"Do you have an answer? Do you WANT to answer?  LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU GOD DAMN IT!" She tried to walk away. It didn't take much effort to pin her against the wall and force her to look me in the eyes, even if it was for just a second. "Let me go if you can't have me. Don't keep me hanging."

Something flashed across her face. No, it couldn't have been disappointment.. could it? It couldn't have been the urge to not hold back whatever it was that she wanted to say.. what I hoped she would say.

"Do you really care enough?"  I knew she'd have an answer to that.

"No. I don't know. I-I don't want to." 

"You don't have a reason, do you?

"None that you'll be happy with."

"I care, Malini. Can't you see that?

"So, DON'T. As soon as you care enough and let someone in, you'll end up being disappointed by one more person." I'd never heard a need in her voice..the need to justify herself.

"Is that your reason?"

"Yes."

"You can be an entire lifetime of disappointments. But you'll still be worth it."

"Don't trust me on that. Like always, trusting people is a mistake you make time and again, hoping you learned your lesson the last time. You never really learn, do you?"

"Cheers to another lesson learned today... or rather the same one again."

A tear slipped down her cheek. She tried to say something but with a quivering lower lip and choking tears, all she managed to verbalize was, " Don't..."

"There's no point in trying to stop me now. Because.. I know.. I know what I need to know. There's no point in trying to push someone out when you can't. Because you're always going to want to come back again."

Dear Diary : Another lesson learned, perhaps...

Dear Diary,

Love's not meant to hurt.

The thing about love is that.. It's not about the pain that you feel once it's over and gone. It's not about the recklessness that follows... those attempts to kill your conscience...


It's about the pleasure you feel even when you remember things you promised yourself not to think about. There's just something about the pain. It reaches out to the depths of who we truly are... (I remember saying this somewhere).. It's about the joy you feel once you've moved on and let go of everything that once, hurt too much to ever want to feel again.. It's about the strength you have to watch things burn.. to watch the person you loved walk away from you.. to let go and watch things take their natural course. 

Dear Diary : When it all falls apart...

Dear Diary,
Many things are worth fighting for. But, when it all falls apart, you know it's time to let the pieces be.. to let everyone go their own way. If it's meant to be, they'll find themselves together again. If not, you'll meet them at the cross roads and tiny corners of life, only to cherish those few moments before you have to say good bye again, not knowing when you'll see them again.

Everything's falling apart again. And this time, I'm not doing anything to stop the fall because, if I do, I know I'll end up hurting a part of myself.. I'm going to witness the breakdown. I'm going to see life stake the living element of my world.

Cheers to Life.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Tonight, I write because I owe myself a few, last words that I shall dedicate to the past few months of my life, the person I had become, the person that I am now, the person I will always be, and the person I will sought to be.

I've changed. For the better I'd like to believe. Things that didn't matter before, have now found their place in my life.. a place I now respect. Emotions that didn't make sense a little less than a year back, are the very same ones that I now accept as a part of the many things I had to learn.

I've grown as a person. Or so I tell myself. I've learned to forgive if not forget. I've learned how to make sorrows worthy of that pain that they bring along with themselves. I've learned that there's no turning back.. even if you're not too far ahead. I've learned how to stand by the decisions I've made... even if they hurt too much. I've learned how to never stop myself from taking the risk. I've learned how to give myself a chance. I've learned how to give myself reasons that make sense and hear others out even when it's the last thing I want to do. I've learned how to remain silent and watch things take their natural course.

A part of me will never change. I won't let it. Because that part of me will always define the essence of the person I will always be.

I know what it feels like to lose the upper hand over people. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. I know what it feels like to fight your conscience to do things you don't want to do. I know what it feels like to finally get the reasons your deserved. I know how it feels to finally be able to breathe again. I know how it feels to never regret decisions you've made... and to stick by that even when everything turns against you. 

As I try to fight the exhaustion which is persuading my mind to fall asleep whilst it is trying to finish what it wants me to pen down, I realize that at the end of the day, we all make the same mistakes, we all learn the same lessons in different ways...

My Last Cigarette

After all the promises I swore I'd never break, I find a cigarette between my unaccustomed lips and once again I promise myself that this will be the very last. Just like I promised myself two days ago. Just like I promised you a year ago. Just like I promised what my last cigarette was supposed to be.

"That doesn't look right between your fingers.." I'd been told before. I smiled. As long as I wasn't coughing my lungs out, and everything in the world seemed to not bother me for those few minutes, I didn't care what looked right between my fingers or my lips. I'd become used to the taste I first detested. Only because, I realized that for more than just a moment, it was only me and that cigarette and nobody else.

"I know you're hurting. I know that nausea-tic feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling in your chest when you find it hard to breathe, because the realization of what just happened is like this stone that forces your heart to sink into an ocean of memories that make you smile but the thought of them being in a past you'll have to move on from will always kill. I know what that jabbing pain feels like. That emptiness. I know... I just..." I waited for Priya to finish.. to trail off and not know what else to say. It was always the same old words.. Because there always came a point when no one could say anything and all you could do was let silence explain who you are to yourself.

A wise friend once told me, "Things, people, feelings.. They change all the time. Nothing remains the same. Perhaps, it's time we got over these constant expectations followed by disappointing heartbreaks that always only end in tears.. that are usually ours. I think it's time we lose this raging argument in our head against the false hope that there might be a good kind of love that we will find someday. Cause, it's just not happening. It's just not."

Suddenly I knew what I wanted to say to Priya.

"Ever felt like not knowing what that feels like? Ever felt like forgetting for just a minute.. No... For half of it even? Here, try one." A bitter smile tried to reach my eyes as I lit my last cigarette again...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note : The fourth para comes from this text my best friend once sent me a long time ago.

Don't Dance! =P

Rules:

■Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, IPOD etc. on shuffle.

■For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

■YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

1. If someone asks you, “are you okay” you say:

Here Without You-Three Doors Down

(Depressing much?)

2. How would you describe yourself ?

Your Love Is My Drug-Keisha

(Because your love your love your love is my drug! =D )

3. What do you like in a guy/girl ?

Shake It-Metrostation

(ROTFL.. I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door ;D)

4. How do you feel today ?

Phir Dekhiye-Caralisa Monteiro from Rock On!

(Uhhh?)

5. What is your life’s purpose ?

Misery Business- Paramore

(NOT!)

 

 

6. What’s your motto ?

Give It Up- The Friday Night Boys

(So give it uuuuuuuup woahhhh, I guess it's over due, I'm over yooou.. )

7. What do your friends think of you ?

That's Not My Name-The Ting Tings

(Wow, that makes no sense!)

8. What do your parents think of you?

Dirty Little Secrets-All American Reject

(HAHAHAHA.. I hope not! :S )

9. What do you think of often ?

Whoever she is-The Maine

(Let's replace the "She" with "He" =P )

10. What is 2 + 2 ?

Hello Piano-David West and Inkfish

11. What do you think of your best friend ?

I'll be your Sunset- A Rocket to the Moon

12. What is your life story ?

Change Your Mind-Boyce Avenue

(True?)

13. What do you want to be when you grow up ?

So Much Love-The Rocket Summer

(That means I have absolutely NO idea)

14. What do you think when you see the person you like ?

Callin' You-Outlandish

 [ :O ]

15. What will you dance to at your wedding 4th anniversary?

Drop it On Me-Ricky Martin Feat Daddy Yankee

(Oh yeaaaaaah! )

16. What will they play at your funeral ?

I'm Sprung-T-pain

(LOL)

17. What is your hobby/interest ?

Swept Away-Yanni

18. What is your biggest fear ?

Glamorous-Fergie

(It's failure actually.. and then the Dark)

19. What is your biggest secret ?

Blah Blah Blah-Keisha

(Hmmm... I'm in love with this soooooong!)

20. What do you want right now ?

Ashista Aahista ..

21. What do you think of your friends?

Look Into My Eyes-Outlandish

[Look into my eyes, tell me what you see.. Beautiful song! :) ]

22. When you want to rush to the toilet, what do you think ?

When Love Takes Over-David Guetta feat Kelly Rowland

(ROTFL.. Yeah.. Right)

23. Person you hate the most is in front of you, what will you tell the person ?

Something Something-Mika

(I like the song, okay? So stop laughing)

24. You have just won a lottery. What will you sing?

Stay-Safety Suit

25. What will you post this as?

Don't Dance-3OH!3 

Okay... I Tag Nil!

 

"These memories will always be mine to cherish. But that doesn't change the fact that maybe they weren't mine to make in the first place..."

A toast to the memories we made, the ones we miss, the ones we run away from, the ones that never leave us, the ones we will always cherish and the ones that weren't ours to make...