Random Shit!

It's been months since I've LIKED a guy. The only reason why I've put that in bold is because, thinking about some other hot guy and obsessing over his amazingly good looks and talking about him to my girlfriends wasn't the plan for the past few months.I was FAR from getting attracted to the guys my friends talked about/obsessed over... Oh wait! Correction! LIGHT YEARS!


No, it's definitely not me to be like that. Considering my short attention span and my history with guys who I've lost interest in, in a couple of days... It's totally abnormal. Considering the fact that I've always been the kind of person to question someone who's been in a relationship for more than a couple of months and have been the one discouraging people who think they've found love.. Geez! I'm so afraid of commitment!


Well, that's not the point! It had been months since I'd felt something for a guy. And a couple of days ago, I felt a hint of the first few feelings that later on turn into something bigger. But in my case, they usually never get bigger than that. And well, though I know that the feeling isn't going to stay for too long, it simply feels good to be the old me again. I like texting him. I like talking about the most random shit everrr! I like NOT talking about serious issues.. Except for when he's absolutely sloshed and can't help but rant on about the most random shit ever..  with a hint of his post break up scene here and there. Yes, my luck to have a crush on a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 20 months AND WHOSE NAME HE HAS ON HIS SHOULDER! YES, HE GOT HER NAME INKED ON HIMSELF! Sheesh!


Sometimes I feel people like doing the mistake of committing themselves to something they cannot keep up with or fulfill. Which is why I'm very open about the things I can or cannot handle. And so I don't find myself committing to one thing or anything for that matter very easily. But I can keep up with what I commit myself to. That I'm sure of. 


You know, I've come to realize, life is all about the choices you make among the options you have. Options gives us the chance to be right or wrong.. our choices decide who we are.. whether WE'RE right or wrong. I've never really had to make a lot of choices in life.  *Touchwood* But then again, I know I would never compromise on some things in life. I don't care what's at stake, but some things.. can NEVER be compromised on.

So right now, I like the feeling of liking someone. It isn't anything HUGE! That much I'll admit.. And I know that in a couple of days I'll be calling out "NEEEEEEEXT" but what the hell, Imma enjoy till it lasts... as long as it lasts! :D

I'm really sick..

I'm really sick of being told what to do.


I'm sick of people misunderstanding me.


I'm sick of getting into trouble.


I'm sick of people treating me like I don't know what I'm about.


I'm sick of trying to explain myself.


I'm sick of giving chances. I'm sick of not getting any myself.

An Absence...

Rather an absence than a presence when neither makes a difference...

Competition!

I don't know why I'm always competing with people who shouldn't bother me.


Sometimes, I like to ask myself, "Why is it about proving to the world, that if you've lost something good, you're worth a lot more and that you already have whatever it is that you're worth in your hands? Why is it always about being the one with the upper hand? Why is it about never giving in and fighting with others.. with yourself.. your conscience.. to reach the goal you've set for yourself.? Why is it about wanting people to look at you and know that you're not just another face.. that you're not forgettable? Why is it always about your EGO? Why can't you look past it for once.. for your own good? Why on earth does it matter to you that your rival walked two steps ahead of you overnight? Why do I make the mistakes I do? Why do I force myself to learn the lessons that I do?" 

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NOTE : This is NOT for anyone in particular! The word "Rivals" was used generally for people I hate, and NOT people I don't know or DON'T hate!

Thank You,

ATTENTION PLEASE!

If there's something that EVERYBODY knows about me, it's that I don't bitch behind people's backs. If I have something to say about you, I say it to you on your face, whether you like it or not. And I'm not afraid of admitting things I've said about people IF I've said those things, that is.


I do not bitch about people I don't know. I may know of you through others. You may have a bad reputation. But I don't form opinions based on what others think about you. I may not like the sound of someone. But at the same time, it doesn't mean I go about spreading bullshit I've only heard. That's NOT me. That's NEVER been me.


And yes, there have been people I've laughed at. There are people I hate. But if I hate you, you'll know. Not through others. Most definitely not. You'll know because I'll tell you on my own. I'll tell you what I think and why I hate you.


So those who have issues with me, who think I've been bitching about them, just know, that if I don't know you personally, I WILL NOT go about saying stuff. And those who know me, and still think I bitch about them, if you haven't heard it from me yet, then I haven't bitched about you. The day I bitch about someone I know, will be days after they know I absolutely LOATHE them.


Thank You.

And The Winter Sets In...

Someone very wise told me, "When you know things are too good to be true, they are."

The words keep echoing in my head, because it seems reality too can be a mirage of joy, that breathes life into your long lost belief in love, faith and happy endings. It is this joy that you lose to the touch of your heart, that stones the glass house your heart is and crumbles the little that you made yourself believe in, into pieces too tiny to ever find again. Hope and faith are like the ropes that pull your mind behind the walls of delusion, whose absence later on leaves you craving to find that long lost, misty dream that was the abode of your happier self...

As the skies above me finally stop crying, I can feel the chill in  the air raise goosebumps on my skin..

And as the winter finally sets in, I feel the need for history to repeat itself! :)

That's how I like it!

"I'm not a book you're allowed to finish...


You're not allowed to know the contents of the pages, that hold who I really am.

Live with it because you'll never know what's going on in my mind.


That's how it's always been, and that's how I like it. So that's how it'll ALWAYS be."

P.S : It feels nice to know that people try and put an effort into figuring you out, because you know you're messing with their heads. Contrary to the fact that I'm very open and loud about my opinions, there are some things people barely realize. I constantly try reading people. I try to understand their way of thinking. And the opinions I form about them, always stay with me.
 

Skinny People

All skinny people are agile and creative!

MY VERY FIRST BLOGGER AWARD!

FINALLY! :D


And as the rules go... I have to...


1. Thank the blogger who gave me the award...

Priyanka aka Purple Parrot, THANK YOU! :D


I think you're weird and that's precisely we get along! ;D

2. Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five words...

Life, Friends, Love, Craziness, Realizations...


3. Pass this on to 10 other bloggers that you feel have a substance in their blogs.

Hmmm.. Since I follow a number of good blogs...

1) ScribblersInc
2)Nil
3)Purple
4)TBG aka Desi Ghee and Coffee ( :D)
5)Crazy Diamond
6)Sensitive Chaos
7)Remya aka Impact-o-life
8)Sid Speakz
9)Buckingfastard


                                    AND

10)Impasse
 

Recognition wasn't going to change anything...

I had seen her a really long time ago. That was the only thing that I could force myself to think when I saw her today. Time had brought about the only thing it promised... A Change.. A Change that was like every other of its kind- always ready to lose itself into the only constancy of life, which I'd like to say is a series of Metamorphoses... 

It wasn't the glint in her eyes or the frequency of that smile, on genuineness of them both that had changed. It wasn't the way she looked around, as if everything in this world, small or big, mattered.


It was the onset of the first few signs of age... Yet, unlike every other woman, she wore the early gray of her hair with pride.


I didn't dare approach her. I preferred that distant glance. Recognition wasn't going to change anything.

This had me awake all night...

It's weird how one day, you become the REASON.. the EXCUSE, as to why you are,who you are, however you are...

Who are you?

Wow.


Months later you still manage to push me over the edge with your perfection.


Are you even normal?


Who are you?


What are you?


I'm jealous of you.

Hook Ups Over Relationships? :|

So finally I am FORCED to ask the teenagers of this city.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Why the FUCK do you guys prefer HOOKING UP over BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP!?


Given that 2010 has been 'The Year Of  Break-Ups' !


But come on, get your act together and move on with someone else.


I'm so sick of wanting to hook up or trying to hook up broken hearted people so they find some consolation in some good action.


If you're a broken hearted teenager.. then listen good.. How old are you? 16.. 17.. at the most 18? Will you please stop acting like you've been cheated on in a 20 year old marriage and just get going with your life!!!


I know this sounds weird coming from me. Yes, those who know me personally will refresh this page ten times to make sure this is my blog and I'm the one giving people a moral lecture on why they should move the fuck on.. But heyy.. The realization finally sunk in. And it feels GOOD! I feel light. I feel like I've wasted so much time... But here's me trying to catch up with life again.. Trying to make it as good and fun as it used to be before December last year!


Now, for those who think I've lost my mind... Come on! Your ex is a jerk/bitch... You should replace him/her and have the time of your life!


Yippee Doo Daa! :D

A little more randomness..

I am being forced to go to school tomorrow.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

I feel like sleeping.. I'm effin' tired!

I feel like kicking this guy in his balls.. Oh wait.. HE DOESN'T HAVE THEM!

I'll make do with his face!

He doesn't know my blog exists.. So there's no hope that he'll ever know that I don't need him to tell people to take care of me.. AND I AM OVER HIM..Goodness, he needs to get over himself and simply go suck monkey balls!

I have to log out now and study for the exams I'm gonna screw up real bad!

And any teacher of mine who reads this post.. I request you to ignore it and check out some of my other posts! Thank You! :)

Random Much?

I'm so BLOODY frustrated right now. I have no effin' idea what I should do.

My mid-terms start in a week. Now that it's Monday, less that actually. I'm a science student and I have to finish 5 chapters in Physics, 6 in Chem, 9 in Math and 7 in Eco... Now the problem is, I've only done 3 in Chem and half of ONE chapter in Math. The other half is way too difficult and I'm unable to solve it further. 

So in short, IM FUCKING SCREWED! 

And yes, I think I have an "EATING DISEASE".. I can't seem to stop eating! :/ And I'm bloating up already!

I missed school today to study, and well, I've only been able to sail through 1/3rd of a chapter in this HUGE Chemistry chapter. 

Thank You!

Bye.

You're On Your Own Now..

This is NOT my work. It's my sister's actually. She doesn't have a blog of her own and she's not a frequent writer or anything.. But this piece of work really hit me! So here it is on my blog!


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            Someone once told me "Don't suffocate in your love." Everytime I think of you these words ring in my head making everything else a blur. These words remind me of the fact that you walked 10 steps away from me everytime I took one towards you.


Breathe I tell myself.


"Find your own calm.." she told me. It's not something you'll find even if you search the entire universe frantically for it. You'll find it for sure but within. Within yourself, within the small heart contained in your body. Inside it you'll find your galaxy, your peace, your calm. You'll find you!


"Move on! Venture out into the unknown." they scare me the most. It feels like I can't move on. It seems impossible to walk away. NO, Not because you're tieing me down or holding me back ,but because I've held on for so long. Too long rather.But I've decided to breathe and let breathe. I'm moving on. I'm letting go. I'm falling into the unknown for an adventure I have absolutely no clue about. For an ADVENTURE in the true sense.


I've accepted it. I'm not going to fight. I'm not angry. I don't hate you. I have loved you and always will. But it's time that i retrace my steps. I'm going back to start over, to move on, and to venture out into the realms that were once strangers. 


And our memories will continue to twirl in my head like the desert sands shift in wind.


Breathe. You're on your own now.

To Good Intentions that Lost their Meaning

Tonight, I sit at my destination with a heart and mind paralyzed by hopelessness, anesthetized by hurt. and hallucinated by the faith in 'victory of good over evil'...

Tonight, I write as a celebration for having finally caught the last train to where I am right now, knowing that this is where I intended to be. The quiet breathing of a mother lost in the thoughts of a subconscious mind, at a time when the nocturnal chirping of the crickets is the only beckoning call into the cradle of sleep, I feel my longing to know reasons that I deserve to, die out like the flame of a candle blown at, through lips that  do nothing to deceive the thoughts and intentions behind it.

As good intentions lose their meaning, I feel the need to stop trying... 

It's finally happening.. 

I can feel it!

That's all for now! :) 

Rustled Whispers...

I wait for her to flip the page.

She fills the blankness of her diary,  does the only thing she knows she can. She writes...

" Rustled Whispers speak of secrets in the air. I can hear them, Can you? Welcome Autumn. I've missed you. "

Once again, I can feel her stillness maneuver the movement around her into silence...

I want to write... but I can't right now!!!

I want to write.. Trust me.. I DO!

But I'm high. I can hardly type.

It's TEACHER'S DAY! There are a few teachers I want to write about, because they have made the biggest differences to my life. And I am grateful to them.. I bow my head in respect! I thank them with all my heart and soul!

It's the 5th of another month.. It's been four months since THE 5TH that changed a lot in my life...

I just watched STEP UP 3!!! *drools*

I want to write... But I can't type anymore...

I'm publishing this post so I remember what I have to do tomorrow..

Right now.. Goodnight! :)

And It's September Already...

Tonight as I sit by myself and look at the darkness around me, I feel the warmth of happy memories wrap me in its comforting arms, like a drug trying to soothe the restlessness of my mind. I feel safe and sound in the apparent nothingness of everything around me. Somehow, I have grown to like nights like these; all alone on my couch with nothing but a dim light at the back of the house, to help me see the little that I can as I make my way to bed early in the morning, when the sky is still at it's darkest best. I feel like everything that I have learnt, everything I have come to realize over time, everything that matters, all comes down to nights like these. Nights, when all I really want is hookah to drown me deeper into myself, into my mind and its thoughts, and even deeper into the soul  I like to believe lives within me. It's on nights like these that I do nothing to fight my exhaustion, just sit around and look at nothing in particular, and just think about everything, worthy or unworthy of my time...

As I let time pass by at it's seemingly sluggish pace, I realize that somebody, in another corner of the world, in another corner of this city perhaps is doing the same right now. Probably, with a cigarette between her fingers burning away to ashes, as the occasional puff or two as an attempt to purposely break a reverie of thoughts, that seems to be going the wrong, more painful way ends up in a packet's worth of nicotine in her system. Probably with an unfinished bottle of alcohol in his hands, a couple of empty ones at his feet; as the bitter taste on his tongue seems to compete with the bitterness that memories have created in him. Thankfully, I have never been the kind to need any of those when I need to break free or break down, just to be able to piece myself together again as a stronger, more insensitive person.. someone who has one more thing to not care about.

These are nights I feel hope shatter into a million pieces, like a mirror thrown at with a heavy rock, as the uneven, course edges of the shards cut into my flesh of love, lust and longing, and the wounds bleed nothing but faith which I try to keep alive everyday, because I like to believe that it's keeping the world together. These are the nights I breathe air into my lungs stronger than I do everyday, trying to exhale the pain in my chest, let it out like a whooshing, whistling wind carrying dead leaves in the autumn. The vibrant red, the soothing yellow, the depressing brown and inspiring orange of the leaves seem to be colors of different aspects of life... aspects that come to life day in and day out.. until they all wither away one day into a dry coarseness, like the dead leaves that crunch under your feet as you take a walk in a park you haven't been to for ages.. the same leaves that rustle in the wind that blows the locks of my hair onto face as I sit here in the balcony trying to feel the life in the air around me...

It's on a night like this that I find in myself, room for new hope, new faith, and another side of me.. that too one day will find itself in pieces that I will pick up only to throw away for another to discover as my past, whose remnants I will always fight to kill, to save myself the pain of nostalgia... Like the remnants of a past that I've been trying to kill.. And it's September already...

Hanging By A Moment

I searched the audience from the wings looking for a familiar face. It was the same face I saw at the biggest of concerts and the smallest of gigs. It was the only face I needed to glimpse for my nervousness to melt away from the pits in my gut and for the strong hold on my throat to loosen. I searched the entire first row, the second and the third but I couldn't see her. I felt stones form in my stomach as I desperately tried to relax. It was only ten seconds later that I saw her sitting at the bar, at the back of the entire audience standing near the stage. I could feel the sudden relief, the sweat on my head cooling, as if I could feel a breeze blowing.

"In three.. two.. one" I was vaguely aware of the voice that maneuvered us on stage. My band mates confidently walked passed me, the three of them playfully boxing my shoulders. Strangely, even after years on stage, the nervousness never ceased to get the best of me, until I saw her.

It was the way she looked at me right in the eyes, the way she smiled confidently that helped me overcome my in-confidence. It was the look in her eyes that told me, that no matter what I sang tonight, no matter how good or bad I sounded, I could never disappoint her. For her, I was always at my best on stage. It was the calm expression on her face, that intense, unbreakable attention that she paid to me when I was on stage that told me that she listened to my music. The slightest jerk of her head when she felt my passion to the core, when she understood the emotion behind the sound that made its way out of my lungs. The way she held her breath when she saw me hold mine, in awe, she once said, at how powerful she thought my voice was. There were days when she would look at me with an unintentional grave expression, under which I felt naked to her power to see through me and I would realize that simply listening to my choice of songs for the night and the way I made them sound, she had yet again opened the doors to another part of my life, without my having to open them or explain to her why I had kept them closed for so long. She understood me. She understood my music. She understood my mind. She understood my life. Yes, she understood me.

" Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you. "

This was for her. Every word that I could hear in my own voice was for her tonight. I poured everything I had into it. I wanted her to hear how much I meant these words and they weren't just lyrics to another song I had written. And I knew she knew how much I meant what I sang. She knew how much I loved her. Just like every song I'd made her hear, every song that I had written, I didn't have to explain to her why I'd chosen those words. And I didn't have to explain tonight. She knew... she just did. I could see it in the way she smiled, the way she lightly bit her lip, the way she gently bowed her head, slightly to side, trying to hide the blush that was everything but inconspicuous to my eyes. It was the way she tried to escape my eyes, trying to look away as if her reaction wasn't meant for me to see that told me, she felt just the same.

And The Light Never Ceases To Find The Dark

I've been in this room for days now. Its dark. So dark that I don't see any point in opening my eyes, because there's nothing left to see, there's nothing that I CAN see. I've confined myself to a cold corner, where all I can do is rest against the wall and only hope and pray for someone to find me, someone to pick me up, because I seem to have lost everything to the darkness around me. I cannot cry because there's no one to hear me, there's no one to wipe the tears.. and I'm not strong enough to be my own reassurance. Something seems to have forced the doors of mind to close, and I don't know what's keeping them shut. I try and search within me, a power, a strength that I can summon, hoping that there is one. The strength that the greatest of people talk about and the weakest, don't know about.


And once again with my eyes closed, with a search left incomplete, I fall asleep to wake up hours later to the black light of the dark.


I wake up to a shiver that runs down my entire cold, rigid body. I can feel a wind blowing through a window in the room. I just don't know where it is. I hug myself as if it were all I needed, but it only grows colder. I open my eyes, slowly, blinking too often for the first few seconds. It takes a little while for my eyes to adjust. I look around the room, looking for a blanket or a rag for that matter- ANYTHING that could provide the tiniest bit of warmth. I see that a small sheet is lying on a chair few steps away. I crawl on my knees, and keeping myself a bit too far away, I reach for it, trying to drop it to the floor, so that I can just drag it to myself. As I wrap myself in the only blessing I can feel, I open the doors of my mind. I realize that I'm sick of being helpless. If there's something I've learnt in life, its that our mind can be forced to think what we want it to. And for the first time in days, I force myself to think. Despite the darkness, I CAN see. Not much, but I can. The curtain of the shattered window on the opposite wall was ghostly in the dim moonlight as it flew violently up and down the pane. I don't know when I fell asleep again, but it was for a longer time and I was more relaxed when I got up. 


I don't remember being in this room now. Why? Because it isn't dark anymore. I wince trying to run away from the light because it hurts my eyes. I try to scramble into any dark corner so that none of the light touches me. I don't think I'm in the same room, but the I can still see that chair and the broken window, that threw light into the entire room. 


It was then that it hit me. The room hadn't been dark forever. It hadn't been a curse. It was me. The problem was within me. I just refused to open my eyes and see that every morning light blasted into this room, throwing into it life. I realized then, that every morning that I had spent on the floor, closing my eyes to what I THOUGHT was around me, I had missed what I had hoped for. And once again, I realize that the darkness wasn't just in the room. It had seeped into the depth of my soul, leaving me bitter. I then realized why I was running away from the light. It was because I had made myself believe that I was born from the dark, that I was destined to be a part of it. How pathetic that made me feel now.


I stay still for a while. I let my body embrace the light. And as I get up to leave the room, these are the only thoughts that cross my mind.. 




As victory follows defeat,
And hatred love,
As smiles follow tears,
And memories, the present,
The Dark craves Light like,
A drought's thirst.

And the Light never ceases to find the Dark.