Emotionally, I don't know where I am right now. I'm still trying to figure out whether its better to feel numb rather than the pain that seems to be cutting deeper into my chest every time I try and breathe it out of my body. I'm gathering the courage to admit my emotions to myself, because trying to hide them from myself has pushed them to the surface even more.. with a force that has the power to overcome me. I'm trying to deal with a pain whose existence I've been denying to myself, because overlooking it has only made me more aware of its presence. I'm trying to come to terms with voids that only time can fill.. or maybe can only deepen... deepen into this gorge whose heights I can jump from to drown into an even deeper river of hurt below.
My problem is simple. I can't deal with emotions like others can. I can't see myself weak. I can never be humane towards myself. I've never allowed myself to cry, because I've always thought that it was something I was forbidden to do. I didn't allow myself to fall in love... I told myself every single day that.. that... it was just another fling, another a couple of weeks I would laugh at years later. Little did I know, that I was breaking my own rules, doing what I told myself not to. The worst thing about lying to yourself is that you can't deny the truth when it's in your face. I do that a lot. I lie to myself.. about how I feel... and weeks later, I find myself where I started in the first place.
I've started doing things I've always detested. Drinking being one of them. A couple of nights ago, a few friends came over and what I thought would be a normal sleepover for the four of us turned into the complete opposite when I opened a new bottle of Absolute Vodka. I was the only one who got drunk. And the rest I don't remember. I can't even put the pieces together to form a picture of the night I thought would give me another reason to move on. Instead, I ended up publishing a very personal post on my old blog... After a day, I deleted the post along with my blog. Because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed because I defied the laws of my own court and let myself feel again... let other know how I felt.
Some things are meant to be. Some things aren't. Some are just weirdly meant to "meant to be".. but their being never really sparks into existence. Are we even allowed to ask why? You're hurt.. you go on a break.. you come back as the person you had lost in yourself... and you believe that now you're past is never going to come back. Weirdly enough it blows in your face even harder and no matter how hard you push against it, its drug-like beckoning gets you addicted. And then once again... You don't know whether you have it in you to let go again. Everyone knows how you feel.. you feel naked under their vision.. yet you know there's no point because despite knowing some things never come back.
I've screamed my heart out, I've cried my eyes out, I've prayed from the depths of my soul and I have waited patiently for four months. Then why can't I see the sun at the horizon? Why is it that I have to push myself off a cold floor that seems to be turning into this dark pit I'm falling into? I've lost my phone. I haven't had it with me for four days now.. And that just pisses me off! I'm tired of being reminded of those memories that still make me long their presence in my life...
I'm trying to go away forever now. I don't know why but something's holding me back. I can't seem to find what string it is... But I know that snapping it will be the hardest thing I've done... DoI even want to snap it?
Awaiting another day..